In every household, there is an unsung hero, one brave soul who has gained the title of family chef, either because she or he likes to cook, or because nobody else will. In my home, I am that hero, though my family has never once called me that. As chefs for the family, we have the difficult job of balancing the time available to prepare meals and the affordability and nutritional value of ingredients, with the preferences of all family members. (Family chefs know that “preferences,” is a nice way to say “PICKINESS.”)

There is at best, a 34-second window between the time we arrive home from our day jobs and the time the children begin asking, “What’s for supper?” But if time were the only factor, we would pick up carryout every day. Too much of that and we would have to forgo some of life’s other luxuries, for example electricity and phone service.

But if affordability and speed were the only issues, we would serve a certain inexpensive noodle, whose main ingredient is sodium, for every meal.

Naturally we also hope to feed our families something nutritious. And besides, we have taken the Family Chef’s Oath: Do No Harm. Or, at least, Don’t Do Much Harm. Some of the fastest and most affordable meals we know are loaded with trans fats, sugar, and artificial flavorings while having as much nutritional value as chewing gum. But if good health were the only issue, we would serve skinless chicken breasts, steamed broccoli, and flax flakes more often.

As informed family chefs, we know that no nutrients are absorbed through the skin when children play with their food. (Unless they’re sitting on the deck on a sunny day soaking up vitamin D while they sword fight with their asparagus spears—which does happen.)

Likewise, we realize that, even if we prepare a meal in seven minutes, no time is saved if the family stares at their plates for half an hour. And if we cook an inexpensive meal and no one but the dog eats it, no money is saved—except on dog food.

Besides, after all the stress we endure to prepare nutritious meals within budget and time constraints, we deserve something delicious, even if nobody else in the family does.

Balancing all of these issues often drives the desperate family chef to the cookbook collection. This is almost always a mistake. As we gaze at the beautiful photographs, our mouths start to water and we are overcome by optimism. We start to think that not only will we be able to find saffron, we’ll be able to afford it. We convince ourselves that yes, we have time to brine a pork roast or roll chicken breasts around a mixture of chopped mushrooms, spinach and cheese, and what’s more, we’ll feel like doing it when the time comes.

Some cookbooks even go so far as to claim, “The kids will LOVE it!” Besides being an outright lie, this exploits our hunger for appreciation and anything that isn’t goulash. We begin to believe that the same children who think macaroni and cheese is a delicacy will eat and enjoy the Burmese Chicken Curry with Yellow Lentils.

We may even go so far as to pick up the ingredients for the Walnut Crusted Potato and Blue Cheese Cakes. And because on those rare occasions when we have time, we really do enjoy cooking, we might even look forward to making it.

But then there are piano lessons and basketball practice. And there are fish sticks in the freezer.
Family Chefs unite! In response to the struggles we face every day, family chefs simply must avoid cookbooks that do not balance all that we must balance. We must expect the praise and appreciation of our families—not to mention that they clean up the kitchen after meals. And we must demand that they take us out to dinner more often.

Dorothy Rosby is a contributing writer for Fabulously40.com , syndicated humor columnist and entertaining speaker whose column has appeared in newspapers in ten Midwestern and Western states since 1996. (The area is home to more cows than people, so the reader should not be overly impressed.) Dorothy grew up in Buffalo, South Dakota, a town of fewer than 400 people in a state that was once left out of the Rand McNally atlas. A former radio announcer, she was once asked by an employer to change her name on air because, “No one will take you seriously with a name like Dorothy.” All of this has led to self-esteem issues that can only be dealt with by a healthy dose of self-deprecating humor. Read more