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Empty Nest - What's That?

Sunday, July 6, 2008

By Lisa A. Fredette


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My daughter started college last fall. In August I packed her up and moved her to her new dorm. We were both very excited. She was full of anticipation for her new found freedom - it was a long summer. I was excited for her because I could remember what it was like being on the verge of adulthood - yet still having the safety net of home.

I returned home and as the weeks went by I was asked by all that knew me, as is natural, how is your daughter doing at college? I would reply, "oh, she absolutely loves it". Then the inevitable question would come, almost sorrowfully, and how are you handling it?" Me, I would ask? Oh, fine - as long as she is happy I am happy."

Eventually, getting the same sorrowful question over and over again, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, because I wasn't moping around or depressed because my only child left the nest. I wasn't reacting as many people expected me to - I was beginning to feel guilty. I questioned to myself, then eventually to my coach, is there something wrong with me - I am almost feeling guilty for not being sad that my daughter is at school. Does that make me a bad mom? Rather than then words like lonely, sad or depressed showing up for me the word that continually showed up for me was freedom. Okay, now I really feel guilty.

After my coaching session with my mentor coach, I was able to reconcile with my feelings. I am not a bad mother, in fact, if I take a look at what parenting is really all about, it is about providing our children with the skills and confidence to go out in the world with excitement and anticipation, with that definition I am an awesome mom. My daughter is able to go into this new stage of her life with anticipation, excitement and confidence. And I am able to go into this new stage of hers and my life with anticipation, excitement and confidence.

So how did we get here? First key point, by not making my daughter my entire life; yes, she was the main focus of my life while she was growing up. I devoted a great many hours of my life to being with her, doing things with her and for her. I made sure that I was available for all the main events in her life and even went as far as coaching her cheerleading squad for four years so I would be close to her and get to know her friends. But, with her encouragement/permission, I also pursued things outside of her world. I set up a life that supported me, in essence modeled for her what it is like to be true to yourself, using the gifts that God gave you. I like to believe that I am partially responsible for the strong, independent and confident person she has become today.
I truly believe that if I hadn't been a bit selfish, developing interests outside of being her mom, I would have crippled her, making her be the center of my universe. In so doing, would have ruined any opportunity for her to celebrate this stage in hers and my life.

So in answer to the question, Empty-Nest - What's That? I would respond - I have no idea. Or maybe a better answer is an opportunity to celebrate this new stage in mine and my daughter's life. If you are struggling with empty-nest syndrome I encourage you to take this opportunity to explore new opportunities, try new things; take that class you always wanted to but didn't have the time, learn how to dance, take that art class or whatever it is that interests you. Don't make your children be the center of your universe, they have enough pressure just transitioning from childhood to adulthood - don't give them the added pressure of completing you. Step out of your fear and into the world of possibility. You will be glad you did and your children will thank you for it.
Need some help changing your perspective on the empty-nest syndrome - need support taking that first step outside your comfort zone? Contact me for a sample coaching.

Lisa A. Fredette is a CTA Certified Life Coach and a member of the Relationship Coaching Institute as well as a graduate of the Fearless Living Workshop. She is the owner of Passionate About Life Coaching and Passionate About Life Coach Divorce Recovery Coaching Club. Lisa provides one on one and group coaching, workshops, teleseminars, ebooks, ecourses and a coaching club for her clients. Her main focus is on supporting women who are motivated to take their divorce recovery to the next level and singles who want to attract the right partner. Sign up for Lisa's free report Be the Navigator: Six Easy Steps to Getting Back into the Driver's Seat of Life at or sign up for the Passionate about Life Coach – Divorce Recovery Coaching Club at and gain the support you need to turn your divorce into a celebration of life.



Member Comments

    • azdana wrote Jul 8, 2008

    • Yea!! While our son, Jeremy, has moved back into his vacant bedroom after living away from home for three years…my husband and I both enjoyed the freedom of having the house to ourselves!!! He is now trying to find out what his next phase of life will hold for him and we are anxiously holding our breaths as we try not to push too hard…hoping that soon he will sprout those wings that will land him safely into the world that awaits him!!! Thanks for making me not feel that I am not alone when I felt free to explore my own dreams and realize some things I had put on hold while raising an amazing child!!! He is only 23, and we don’t want him heading out prematurely or making poor choices as he starts to become a productive citizen, however, we don’t want him to stunt his growth either…while we pursue our own goals…a very fine line to walk I would say. Thanks for such a great article! Thanks for some direction and to point the way for all of us as we navigate our way into the next phases of our lives!!! Sincerely, Dana


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    • emergiblogrn wrote 8 days ago

    • THANK YOU!!!!!!

      My youngest started college 800 miles away four days ago. I was teary for about ten seconds as we pulled away. She is my youngest and now I supposedly have an “empty nest“.

      Uh, no I don’t.

      Maybe it was easier for me because I have an enormous amount of family in the city she’s moved to, including her older sister and an uncle who teaches at the university.

      But she was so ready to move out, so ready to start college. The growth over the summer following high school graduation was amazing.

      When folks ask me how my husband and I are dealing with no kids in the house, I just paraphrase Kris Kristofferson:

      “Freedom is just another word for no kids left at home!”

      And I don’t feel the least bit guilty! I, too was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me because I had no qualms about sending any of my three kids to college.

      Could it be that we raised well-adjusted kids?

      Amazing!


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    • candee7790 wrote 8 days ago

    • Wow! That article was great! I just became an empty nester and I too dreaded having people ask me "How are you doing?" "How is your daughter". Honestly, I just didn’t want to talk about it, because I was still trying to figure out how I felt about it. In fact, I skipped church last Sunday just so I wouldn’t have to talk about it!

      The good news is she IS doing great and loves college. She still calls me often but it’s more to talk than anything, which just thrills me! I guess I did a good job afterall!

      This article was definately aimed for me. THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!

      CanDee7790


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    • hotmel86 wrote 7 days ago

    • Thanks for the insight my oldest is about to go to college next year and that bodes well for me.


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    • texasfem wrote 6 days ago

    • My Youngest who is the Only Daughter I have left home to attend college one week ago. Like you we were excited when driving her to the college and her dorm. We unpacked and fixed her room so that she felt as if she was at home. Like most Daughters she was excited to start her new life away from home.

      she is the baby and the center of my life. I have two older sons who left home a few years ago. I was able to channel all my attention on her life and spent as much time with her as I could knowing she would be leaving home. I guess the Empty Nest syndrome has sunk in. The weekends are hard. we did movies, dinners and shopping together. I feel sad at times and I miss her so very much but I know with time it will get easier.

      I’ve done my Job by installing all the good qualities in raising her. I know I will start to turn things around and adjust to her being away. I do miss her but I am proud knowing my hard work has paid off.


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