I had a friend contact me recently shocked and distressed by the poor behaviour of her five year-old child.

It seems the five year-old insulted a schoolmate by making unpleasant references to her weight, as they lined up for school. She wasn’t very sublte as she did so in front of her mother and the father of the ‘other’ child.

This mother felt mortified and a little stunned by this out-of-character behaviour. What should she do and say?

And my reaction as third party, objective by-stander?

We rightfully want our kids to treat others with tolerance, respect and fairness. Acceptance of differences is important! Don’t judge a book by its cover! Beauty is skin deep but true worth goes deeper! These are all the types of messages that every right-minded, caring parent spends considerable time and effort developing in their kids.

And most of the time kids will follow the messages and values that you promote.

BUT kids are kids. As every parent knows children will often say what they are thinking. They are not constrained by the same social mechanisms as adults. These come with age – a little later for boys than girls!

Kids also have L plates when it comes to learning a range of behaviours and skills, whether they are physical or social. They are also working out what’s appropriate and what’s not, which means a little boundary testing is usual.

The schoolground, just like pre schools can be something of a jungle. Away from the gaze and scrutiny of adults kids can treat each other a little differently than we would like. Children can be downright cruel to each other and say some awful things at times.

Kids do work out their own pecking orders and coping mechanisms. They need space from adults to allow this to occur. For this reason we don’t need to be involved in the minutiae of their lives.

That is not to say we as adults adopt a ‘whatever!’ approach and leave kids to themselves. As every experienced parent, teacher and carer knows there are some behaviours you let go and some you pick up on.

As much as we preach and teach good messages at home we cross our fingers and hope these messages stick when they cross the schoolgate. As a former teacher I know that, by and large, kids represent their parents and family values well at school, but not always to the same degree as their parents would hope

Okay so what could this mother have done? What approach could she take? After all this is a classic teachable moment and requires some type of positive parental response. There are many ideas I know. But these were my suggestions.

Don’t take her behaviour personally. Easier said than done but we often unjustly judge our performance as parents by our children’s behaviour. This is fraught with danger!

Let her daughter know that she was unimpressed with her behaviour but put it in the context of behaving like a good friend should. In other words, how should a good friend act? Is this how a good friend would act?

Revisit this later at home and create a little empathy. How would she feel if someone called her fat, skinny or stupid? (Research shows that bullies often dissociate themselves from the act and have difficulty empathasising)

Sometimes it is useful to get a child to apologise. This can be a little meaningless though when their heart is not in it. For children in middle primary school and above it is useful if children ask the offended if they will forgive them. This requires a response from the offended person and can reseal the relationship.

My last piece of advice was to revisit and move on. I wouldn’t be surprised if the offended girl already had.

Michael Grose, a popular parenting expert, shows you practical ways to raise happy, confident, well-behaved kids and resilient teenagers. Improve children’s confidence and behaviour now and get Michael’s free ebook ’25 ways to speak so children will listen’ at Parenting Ideas . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and get regular updates to build your 21st Century parenting manual.