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Benefits
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Benefits
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By Michael Grose
I just received this email from a Happy Kids reader who attended the Melbourne Parenting for Resilience seminar three weeks ago:
“When I saw you present recently you urged we mothers of sons not to ask ‘how do you feel…’ but rather ‘what do you think …’
I put this to the test last week when my son woke in the middle of the night to say his urine was red. We’d already been to hospital the day before and we both knew that this would mean admission. I knew he was scared, as he asked if he could sleep the rest of the night in my bed, so I took the opportunity to ask, ‘what do you think about going back to hospital’.
Well, it was like ‘open sesame.’ He told me he was scared. I was able to reassure him that all would be well. He did indeed get admitted to hospital and spent 5 days there and along the way I used ‘think’ language to gauge how he was doing.”
I am rapt that my little suggestion made such a big difference at such stressful time for both parent and son.
I am also amazed how it is the little things that make such a big difference particularly when it comes to communicating with boys.
So what’s ‘think language’ about and what’s the big deal?
A simple, almost foolproof way to get boys of all ages to talk at an emotional level about difficulties is to ask them what they think about a situation rather than how they feel about it.
For instance, if a boy’s best friend leaves school resist asking him how he feels about it. He will probably just shrug his shoulders and say, “Dunno”. And he most likely doesn’t know how he feels either.
If you say, “What do you think/reckon about your friend leaving?” he is more likely to respond with something informative even he used one words answers. Replies such such as “Awful” and “Crappy” give you the opportunity to probe a little further -“What’s awful about?” “Yeah, I guess it is crappy. What do you think you should do about it?”
The point here is that the way to a boy’s heart is frequently through his head.
I imagine it has something to do with the way our brains are wired. I am not sure however I do know that think language works. By beginning to tell you what’s on their minds boys will end up telling you what’s happening deep inside
Next time you wish to take a male in your life to an emotional space consider using ‘think language’ rather than ‘feeling language’ to get him there. There are no guarantees but you are more likely to be successful if you use this mode, which he is comfortable and familiar with.
Excellent post, and right on. Asking our young men, “What do you think“, is the best way to start a heart-to-heart with them. Another tip: The car is a wonderful place for talking with boys. On those rides to and from school, or to soccer practice, you’ve got a captive audience. I found those car rides provided the best opportunities for good conversation with my son. During those times, we talked about everything from politics to what happened at school.
Cindy La Ferle’s Home Office: http://www.laferle.com/
Can’t wait to try that! I have a good relationship with my 18 and 15 yo sons, but sometimes they don’t open up very well. (especially the 15 yo) Next time I’ll try the “think” method! Love great input and ideas on how the male mind works.
I am ALWAYS looking for ways to have my 7 year old son open up and talk to me more. I know not to ask yes or no questions, but sometimes when I ask about how his day at school went, I feel like it is pulling teeth. I can’t wait to try the think language that you mentioned! Thank you.
With a 16 and 14 year old son, both are VERY PRIVATE!!! I have been using the ‘what do you think” and just having you value their opinion means alot to them. Just be vigilant not to quickly jump in with your words. If you keep your moouth shut longer, you can get alot out of them. Also, reinterrating what they say makes them feel understood. I still dont haave an answer on how to get them to clean their room, but I am making some progress!!!~jenna
Thank you very much for enlightening each of us. Parenting is the most beautiful thing but more and more challenging as they grow up.
I will definitely implement this approach with my sons.
savedaily
www.geesuccess.com
www.gee07.isagenix.com
www.thejoyofconnecting.com
Hi,
I have a 12 yr old son who does not open up about anything unless its just me and him talking. I think Im going to try this “think language” with him and see what happens. Anything will be better than not knowing what is going on in his head. Hes a very private person and keeps t himself, so maybe this will help him to open up a bit more.
Thanks for the great advice. I will let you know how it goes.
Andrea
i just asked my 17 year old son “what he thinks” about his life right now and it stopped him in his tracks…WhoooHooo I wish I would have known this with my older 3 sons but it’s never too late to change!
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