Valley of Waiting

I’m afraid that I’ve neve been very good at waiting.  I’ve been married a few times (I don’t recommend it to others) One thing that I’ve learned in all the mistakes that I’ve made is that ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away.  Marriage counseling, individual counseling, just sitting down and talking out the issues in a respectful way together are ways to tackle tough issues.  If it’s an issue that’s been going on a long time, it may be quite difficult to aproach the topic the first time.  It takes two.  If the other person doesn’t know that there’s an issue or doesn’t agree, then you‘re in a dead end.  Compromise is often the answer.  These are all generalizations, it’s difficult to give advice, when I don’t the particulars.  I’ve been married now for 7 years (together for almost 10) and it’s been the best thing in my life.  I’ve found that respect, communication, and appreciation are the most important things.  Oh yeah, all the physical stuff is important too.  It doesn’t have to always be sex, but touching and intamacy is important, whoever initiates it.  There’s my two cents (more like two dollars, I suppose).  Deb

Hi,
I was in that exact same position three weeks ago but I finally able to say that the waiting is over.  I was married for seven years and kept hoping and waiting for things to change but instead my situation just kept getting worse.  Problems cannot be solved if only one person is always a fault.  I prayed daily for an answer and God gave me the answer by blessing me with my son eighteen months ago.  It is through his birth that I finally realized that I was in a mentally abusive relationship.  To make a long story short,  I was hesitant when leaving but now I finally realize that the grass is greener on the other side.  So, waiting takes patience and with patience you will begin to listen to your inner voice which will lead you to the proper decision.  Good luck. Nadine

sassy:

May I take a different tact here…giving you something to consider…it is my opinion but it is one that has come from much wrestling with the devil, a journey through the valley of the shadows and a return to the fold after God relentlessley purused me:

After many years of discouragement with my marriage, deep depression and continued failure at finding peace for my family and my personal life, I went off the deep end in to a massive mid-life crisis.  No matter how hard I prayed to God to heal my family, solve my  problems within my marriage relationship, pour wisdom and compassion down upon my husband’s head…I chose to turn my back on God and search for the answers outside of my marriage and family.  I became lost, confused and frustrated with the years of unhappiness and continual failures at trying to make my marriage work and gain peace in my home.  I blamed my husband and my children for my lot in life…I thought I was doing everything I could to make things better.  I became consumed by my role as a wife and more over, allowed my role as a mother get in the way and drain my cup of any ability to being a vibrant, happy human being.  No matter how hard I tried my cup never was full…half full…it was downright bone dry…in fact, when I turned my back on God…I didn’t have a cup at all…I just ran like the prodigal.  I spent two years wrestling with the devil, searching, justifying and blaming my husband for my unhappy life.  All the while God kept on whispering to me…“It’s not about you, your husband or family, Amy…it’s about Me and what my plan is for you.  How can I share my plan with you…if you don’t even know who YOU are…stop running away from the real reason why you are so unhappy…stop blaming everyone else for your saddness and discontent…stop being a victim of your own choosing…start listening to who I think you are and can be…start setting yourself up for success in your life, start growing the gifts and talents that I placed within you long ago, see the passion that I placed in your soul when you were a child, utilize the growing and learning experiences I have given.  Nothing in your life is in vain…to me all things are a possibility waiting to happen. Listen, obey my urgings…empty your heart of preconceived expectations, open your mind to what I have been offering you and you have been dismissing as improbable.  Be patient, for I will grow you within my timeline NOT yours…be prepared for far bigger blessings than you have ever dreamed or prayed for…know in your heart of heart’s that it your heart’s desire that I want for you…not this season of discontent that you have chosen.  Turn your focus away from the things that bind you…this does not mean that you leave the communion that I have blessed and the children that I have placed in your care…it means that you look at what You are doing in these relationships that is keeping them from being a blessing. Ask for the guidance of change in You in these things  Only this do you have control over…leave the other’s growth and nurturing to Me.”  

For years, God patiently stood by waiting for me to realize that He was in control…it took a complete state of brokeness for me to turn toward God and a complete willingness to allow Him to be the author of my life, my marriage and my family.  He gently took me by the hand and slowly healed my heart, revealed truths about my marriage, my husband and my children…my life that I had never considered before because of my pride, resentment and bitterness would not allow me to believe that I was at fault.  I changed my perspective, chose to work at my life with my husband and children…and amazingly enough He had been working on them also, so when my changes occurred, so did theirs.  Today, I am in a renewed relationship with my husband and children…my marriage is thriving…my life as a woman and child of God is fulfilling and has purpose, because I am most wonderfully made, talented and gifted in God’s eyes, with His purpose as my number one priority….from this all blessings flow for all other facets of my life.  He is truly giving me my heart’s desire!

Can this also be what is going on with you?  

Prayer is a powerful thing…but the important thing about prayer is that we are praying about and for the right things…it is the specifics in the prayer.  Go to counseling without your husband, if he is refusing…maybe God has a message to deliver to you first before He brings you together as a couple in this venue.  Maybe God has deemed You to be the messenger to your husband…but you have to go to receive the message first…you can’t deliver it, if you haven’t received it yet.  You can’t receive the message, if God is still growing you to hear it.

I am only planting a seed of consideration here…in the mean time I will pray that God open your heart to the possibilities.

Shepherdess

oh if we would listen to be ye not unequally yoked to begin with how much heart ache that would take care of. God condones divorce only in the circumstance of unfaithfullness of your spouse. Many sinner spouses are brought to God by a faithful wife or husband. But I also know that God gives you a brain and wants you to use it, those who are abused probably have children that are being abused…......get out! then have your spouse get counseling. If you are one that cannot leave your abuser please talk to someone….......God will send angels to help you. I was ready to leave my husband and found out I had diabetes. That made me stop and say I guess part of it is my fault…........irritability being part of the diagnosis. It isn’t much better but I handle things better.
So God works in many many different ways

You are all blessings in my life, thank you from the bottom of my grateful heart

Wow! God is good! I am sitting here just exploring through this Fabulously 40 website that i registered for just a couple of weeks ago and I come across you ladies! God always guides me where he wants me to go. I am in a similar situation in my marriage right now, my husband and I are (temporarily) separated and I am believing God for the restoration of my marriage. Reading this blog has helped me tremendously, I really believe he got me here for a reason and I am now praising him once more today and giving him all the glory.

Sassy,

I know all too well the bondage of alcohol. My husband has been sober now for 11 years (we have been married for 20). It was a very hard road but the hardest part was not what I expected.
I thought once he got sober, everything would be better. He worked so hard at his sobriety and was victorious by God’s hand.  The part I was not prepared for was that the man I fell in love with was the one that was drinking. He was fun, romantic, communicative, understanding…
When he came out of treatment 11 years ago, I felt like I had been divorced and then placed in an arranged marriage overnight.  I did not know this new man. I did not even like this new man.

I, too, am in waiting.  He has never chosen to deal with the reasons why he drank or the relationships that needed restoring.  My son left for college last week and my daughter has 2 more years. I cannot imagine staying in this house with him when the kids are gone. He is depressed, angry, self-centered—basically, the devil got a foothold with the alcohol and is using it still.

There is no abuse, just neglect and self preservation. I pray for him to be able to experience the life the kids and I have. We invite him to concerts, rugby games, dinner parties and he would rather take to the chair and TV…the new addiction.

Here is my point. Had I known then…I believe for us, alcohol was a just a symptom of depression…a coping mechanism.  When God heals your husband from the bottle, I would encourage you to pray for the deliverance from whatever got him there to begin with.

I have seen many marriages transformed by God. Only He can make it so. In the mean time for me, I continue to pursue God and know Him and love Him.

I will leave you with this. On one very lonely day, I cried out to God with a broken heart. Feeling like a complete failure in my marriage and the love department, I heard God ask through my tears “What do you think will be the first question I ask you when we are face to face?” I whispered back “You will ask what I di to save my marriage and honor You“? And God answered me so sweetly. He said “No my beloved, I will ask you “Would you like to dance?”

Be still my heart. Jesus is the love of my life.

In His Grip,
Lisa J

Aren’t we all waiting for something or someone?
It’s never just right, right?
Life is in a constant state of flux, for those of you who have everything “just right“, I’m sorry, it’s not going to last.  I’m not a pessimist by any stretch, but I think what God gives us is joy through the tears. The tears will definitely come, yet I have found when my heart was poised to meet God in any given situation He made something beautiful of even the darkest circumstances.  

My favorite Psalm is 84:5-7.  There is a picture painted by the words.  It says that those who pass through the Valley of Weeping make it a place springs, and they go from strength to strength. The most difficult situations yield treasures we never imagined possible, treasure we can lavish on others down the road going through similar trials. Interestingly enough the Psalm starts out by saying that those who have their hearts set on pilgrimage are blessed.  This is another key, we weren't made for this world, this isn't IT.   So hang in there, and I pray you find encouragement for yourself (as David did) and also through the sweet words written here by your sisters in Christ!

Dear Heavenly Father remember each person represented here, lead guide and direct them remember thier joys and thier woes, put your hand upon them this coming week. Amen

Heavenly Father,
Take us from these valleys to the mountaintops, let us learn from this experience so that our tests become our testimonies and our mess becomes our message. Grow us into the likeness of you and allow our lights to shine in this dark world and lead others to your kingdom. In you precious name, Amen
God bless all you ladies today