Welcome - Introductions

HiLisa, I am in the middle of a messy divorce and I look forward to the day when I feel good about myself again.  I have no regrets asking for the divorce. I will be married 16 years next month and I realize that they were more sad years then good year.  I feel sad because I feel that I failed in my marriage.  My husband is very angry and is making the whole divorce process very hard.  We have 2 children 6 1/2 and 12 1/2.  Luckily we have a great child therapist and is helping my children get through this.  I look forward to this group and can’t wait to read more. I love this site too, there is so many interesting articles and I feel I found a place on net. Thanks

JerseyJosie – thanks for sharing a bit about where you are in you divorce process. It is natural to have feelings of sadness even if you are the one asking for the divorce. The end of a marriage is an end of a dream. So I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve. You may want to have some type of ceremony to give yourself permission to release those feelings of sadness and grief. You can either do this alone or ask someone you can trust and feel comfortable with the share in the moment.  

As far as your husband being angry, in order not to get sucked in or be manipulated by his behavior remember that you must allow him to feel his and be responsible with his own feelings and how he reacts – you can’t take this on – you have your own stuff to deal with. Always keep your happiness and your children’s happiness in the forefront.

Lisa
““:http://www.lisafredette.com/

Hi, I’m PJ and my divorce was final a month ago.  I have also been married before.  Feeling like I have a good idea of what I’ve done wrong – primarily falling in love with a man’s potential rather than the way he is now.  I’ve also married men who are less successful professionally than I am and I find it causes a lot of trouble.  The problem is, although I know what NOT to do again, I am afraid of going out and making new relationship mistakes.

Monilove – welcome to the group. I want to applaud you for reaching out for support when facing a challenge you are uncertain how to handle. Congratulations.  

When faced with a situation like this I always recommend coming from a place of what would I want if the situation were reversed. Let’s assume that your husband was the one leaving, what would you like him to do for you that would make the transition easier? If you come from that place I think it will be easier to become clear about what is best. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Lisa
http://www.lisafredette.com/

Hi.  My name is Sondra.  My divorce will be final next week. I have been married for 29 years.  I was only 17 when I got married.  At age 46, I am at a loss at how ‘dating’ works now.  I also go back and forth with my emotions.  One minute I’m happy, the next minute I’m sad, the next minute I feel guilty because I feel happy.  It was my decision to go through with this divorce.  My ex is very upset which naturally affects me.  In the past, I have always try to ‘fix’ everything.  Now, I have to realize that I can only control myself, and he must figure out on his own how to deal with our parting.  Although our kids are grown (26 and 27), my daughter is still at the stage that she ‘hates’ me.  Since my kids are the most important thing in my life, this is probably the hardest obstacle that I’m dealing with.

Hi!
I’ve been divorced a little over 7 years now and I’m finally in a really good place emotionally. It wasn’t the person that I missed (AT ALL) but I truly missed the companionship and adult time. I tried getting out there and dating and this was a nightmare. Actually, I was probably the nightmare. I found that when I dated someone and it started to get to the point where it was a “relationship“, I’d find a way to make it a mess. My way of saying, “I’m not ready for this“. I spent many years just concentrating on my children who ranged in age from 6 mos to 17 when I got divorced. At the same time, I started to enjoy “me” time and the freedoms that it brought me. I met someone in 2004 who was a fabulous father of two boys …he was going thru a very tough divorce at the time. Our connection was amazing but the timing was terrible, so it ended. Neither of us were really ready.  

I’ve learned a lot over the past 7 years. I struggled without child support up until the past year (I won the fight being steady and calm…which wasn’t easy!)and learned how to be the best multi-tasking Mom I could be. It’s been quite a journey and I have strong, wonderful children. The biggest thing I’ve taken away from this is that I am important. Until I learned that, I spent my days trying to make everyone else happy instead of me. Now that I’m at a point where I am at peace with my divorce, so many good things (except my knee!!) are happening.

A few weeks ago I got an email from the man I dated in 2004…he was just checking to see how life was. We met a few days later for “just a drink” and ended up having an 8 hour date. He’s an incredible guy and we’ve decided that dating again is a GREAT thing….so who knows!

Thanks again for all the great advice and support here!

Yavaniel – welcome to the group. I am thrilled you have joined and have posted a bit about yourself and where you are in your divorce journey.  

With regard to the meeting with the attorney – I would encourage you to come from a place of positivity. It is so easy for us to jump into fear of what might be and we tend to go to the worst case scenario. So where is our focus when we do that – on everything that could possibly go wrong and how do we feel then – defensive and on edge, right?  

So let’s turn that around – let’s believe that you will have a good, amicable and productive meeting. Determine your intention for the meeting – whatever that might be, starting the process, getting a guideline of what comes next, etc. Once you have set your intention then see the meeting going inline with that intention and see all parties involved with a willingness to achieve that intention. With that vision in mind, how do you feel? Isn’t that a better place to be?  

Then let’s choose this vision and let go of the other. Sound good? The fact is you won’t know the outcome of the meeting until the meetings is over, so why not focus your energy on the positive things you want to come out of the meeting – you will feel more in control and calmer I bet. Here is to your success of achieving all that you envision!

Lisa
http://lisafredette.com/

ayanda – welcome to the group thank you for your post. Looking forward to getting to know you and supporting you.

Lisa
http://lisafredette.com/

Thanks..divorce really never goes away, it just has to fade into the distance. I’m not sure we all ever completely heal but moving on and enjoying what we have is so much better once you get there!

Thanks for having this group!

Sandy – thanks for sharing your story. The uncertain future can be daunting, frustrating and exciting all at the same time. The fact that you are questioning whether or not you want to date may be an indication that you are not quite ready. I wrote an article on Companionship that you may find helpful. The article is posted on my blog http://lisafredette.com/ You can access it directly here http://lisafredette.com/

I hope it helps.  

Lisa
http://lisafredette.com/

Hi-
I’m Carolyn and divorced last year after 29 years of marriage.  I was married to an alcoholic (in recovery for the past three years) who had at least three affairs during our marriage.  To top it off, he’s also a minister who is still serving in churches.

It was a rather sudden split for me.  When I had evidence of this past affair, I confronted my husband.  He admitted it and sent papers regarding the divorce in 2 1/2 weeks.  Fortunately, I have a very good job and able to support myself and established myself in a new home right away.  I was also very fortunate to be able to relocate to a new community.  Staying in a small town after divorcing the local minister would have been unbearable.  I have a grown daughter who has been incredible throughout this.  We have tried to be there for each other.

From the beginning, I was determined to not become the stereotypical bitter divorced woman.  I tried hard to take the high road, but also to make sure I was taking care of myself and making good decisions.  Most days, I do OK.  

My ex is marrying the girlfriend in November, which has been more difficult for me than I expected.  However, I’ve become more reflective on what happened in my marriage, and gaining greater insight into the decisions my ex made.  My anger is starting to fade away, replaced by understanding, but sadness toward my ex.  I had hoped that he also had gained insight, but am seeing the pattern of his behavior continue.  After having lived with him for 29 years, it just makes me sad for him.

For now, I’m working toward taking care of myself, discovering who I am, and looking forward to this new journey.  I hope that we can all be supportive of each other no matter where we are in this journey.

Hello group, my name is Shay and I’m 41 yrs old.  In May of 2006, when my husband and I went to close on the new house we had just picked out, I was told (in front of the Attorney and the Realtor), that I would not be “occupying the house”  My husband told them that only he and my two boys, ages 4 and 7, would be moving in.  Two days later when I was cleaning the apt we were moving out of, my husband showed up with the divorce papers and informed me that he would be taking the boys, which wasn’t hard since his mom had already come over and picked up.  So, long story short, he and I have been battling custody for 1yr and a half.  Honestly, the divorce part doesn’t bother me a bit, what really angers me is that fact that my husband hates me enough to rip out my heart and take my boys.  He thinks that he is a better dad because he makes more money and is more stuctured.  Yes, i have low self esteem at times, but I know, once custody is established, I can move on.  My faith in the Lord is what keeps me going because without that, I would shrivel up and die!

Welcome prkwdmama; thank you for posting your introduction to the group and sharing a bit of your story. I know you will find the support you need here in this group. You mentioned issues with low self-esteem. Here is an article that might support you in regaining your self-esteem and confidence http://lisafredette.com/

Lisa
http://lisafredette.com/

Paula:

Thanks for taking a minute and introducing yourself to the group. Congratulations for having the courage to honor your self and your children. I know you will find the support you are seeking to continue growing after divorce here.

If there is anything I can do to support you please let me know. Thanks.

Lisa
http://www.lisafredette.com/

Hello Panda63, congratulations on your decision.  I just separated from my husband a week and a half ago.  It was so hard especially since I knew I wanted to leave 5 years ago.  I realized then I had been mentally abused by my husband and that he did this to keep me where I was. I felt stuck, like in quicksand.  I wanted to leave but could not see a way out until I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I also have two daughters, 9 and 11, and I just don’t want them growing up thinking this is what a good marraige is.

 We moved out October 1st and I did tell him in advance but he still thinks I am coming back home. I think after this week it is starting to sink in that we are not coming back.  We love our new place and the girls are happy. He takes them to school everyday and they stay with him on Sunday nights.  I am finally starting to feel a relieved though I blame myself for staying too long and dealing with what I had but I feel “..This too shall pass….”

My grandmother used to say that to me,for the past year when “stuff” felt to hard to handle I’d say this to myself.

My daughter’s don’t see their father, their choice, he’s really messed up.

It sounds weird to say this but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one.  

Good luck (((hugs))) We’ll be just fine.

Linni – thanks for sharing your story with the group. I am glad that you were brought to our group and I hope you find the support you need here to continue your healing journey. If you haven’t found them yet there are threads here on dealing with your anger and forgiveness. Here is the link to the forgiveness thread as this stood out to me the thing you were struggling with – I hope this helps http://fabulously40.com/

Lisa
http://www.lisafredette.com/

I’m glad I found this group. I’m almost done with my 2nd divorce. Both were alcoholics and I am also a survivor of domestic violence. I’m just working through my grief now and moving on with my life. I know I can never see or talk to him again. I do have many opportunities in the next year. I feel better when I do something about my own life. Thanks for being here.