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Life after Divorce - Year 2
4 posts, 3 voices , started 1 month agoPosted on Sunday, October 5, 2008 by sewingchic
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sewingchicSilverOffline
I would like other survivors of divorce’s perspective on this. When I divorced a year ago, a friend of mine told me she found the second year to be more difficult than the first. It has now been a year since my divorce, and I’m begninning to understand what she meant.
My divorce was quite sudden, and there were so many decisions I had to make immediately. First and foremost was finding a place to live, purchasing a home, and moving in. I put all of my energy into surviving the year and trying to be as positive as I possibly could. I allowed myself to grieve, saw a wonderful therapist, and took care of myself. After so much drama, my goal was to have a year of healing and an undramatic life.
For the first time in the past year, I miss living near family (moving is not an option due to work), and find myself being lonely at home. I have remained very active at church and in the community, but it doesn’t replace coming home to family and a companion.
There is so much written about going through a divorce, but nothing about year 2. How have others dealt with this?
Thanks.
Carolyn
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ExpertOffline
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Carolyn:
Great question. Your situation is not uncommon, the first year of divorce we are so busy with making decisions, changes, etc. that we don’t really have time to pay attention to what is going on with us emotionally. Then when things begin to settle down – which is generally in year two, we are not quite so busy and we have a lot more quiet time. This allows us to start missing the closeliness and connection of having a partner. It also might be a time when some unresolved emotional issues come forth that we didn’t have time to resolve in the initial stages of the divorce.
What is it that you miss about coming home to a family/companion? Take the time to define what that is. Once you do that ask yourself how you can have that – then begin taking steps toward that. Make sense?
Is there something that you can fill that void with? Is there a dream that you set aside when you were married that you are still passionate about – maybe you want to think about dusting that dream off and pursuing it. Or maybe there is something new that strikes your interest – try that out too. Now is the time to really define what you want your life to look like and if another relationship is part of that. If it is then you need to sit down and figure out what you want that relationship to look like.
Here is an article I wrote about the aloneness stage of divorce http://lisafredette.com/ which you might find helpful.
As well as an article on companionship that outlines some of the things I discussed in this post http://lisafredette.com/
I hope this helps. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to support you.
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SilverOffline
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Thanks, Lisa. That is helpful. I began thinking about my interests during my “busyolic” stage. In trying to remain positive, I looked toward the future. Unfortunately, there is still a great deal of pain there that I still need to deal with.
29 years is a long time to be with someone, and I’m sure it’s going to take more time to heal. As I try to heal from the pain, I am focusing on projects at work, and a couple of ministries at church that I have helped to start. I am also continuing to try to define who I am as a single person. That one is very challenging. I married when I was only 19, so I’ve really never been a single adult before.
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ExpertOffline
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Carolyn:
I can appreciate where you are coming from. I married when I was twenty and was married for sixteen years, so I too grew up in my marriage. Redefining yourself as a single is a challenge and I think more so for women because we set aside a dreams and desires for our family and our relationships. Although divorce is difficult it can be a great beginning for us women who can now focus our energies on ourselves and begin to dust off those dreams or creat new ones.
In order to do this though you need to be able to heal from the emotions of the divorce process which can take some time. You might be interested in my ecourse Be the Navigator: Six Easy Steps to Getting Back into the Drivers Seat of Life it catalogs my journey thru the fear, anger, guilt and regret. There are many helpful tools in there as well. You can sign up for it on my website http://www.lisafredette.com,/ the sign up box is in the upper right hand corner – it’s free.
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