The following is an excerpt from my brand new, first-of-its-kind book, When War Comes Home , written for wives of today's combat vets.  It will be available on my web site, www.hopeforthehomefront.com, and in stores Veteran's Day, November 11, 2008!!!

Where is my husband?  Who is this man that they sent home to me?  There must be some mistake!

I pick up the morning paper and read the names of the fallen.  I ache for their loved ones.  Jason’s name is not listed among the dead, and for this I am eternally grateful.  Yet, I ache for myself.  My heart breaks for both of us.

Sometimes I feel like my marriage died for my country.  Jason is not the man who deployed.  We are not the same couple who tearfully said goodbye all those months ago.

God protected Jason, but God didn’t protect him.  I prayed Psalm 91 for Jason every day, many times a day, believing God would shield him, cover him, even make him bulletproof.  I prayed for him the minute I awakened, as I got our kids ready for school, as I stood in bank lines, as I waited in traffic, as I washed the dinner dishes, then outside looking up into the stars and the rising moon, and finally as I lay in our bed alone…over and over I prayed for his safety.  I never knew to pray for Jason’s mind.

I just assumed that if he returned to me physically whole, then everything would be fine. I was wrong.  The war has come home with Jason.  The war has walked right through our front door uninvited.  It sits on our sofa, rides in our car with us, and eats our meals with us.  The war is here 24/7.

Jason’s pain seems to be contagious.  He’s been home for a while and we are all hurting now.  We stand back and can only watch as Jason wrestles an unseen monster, day after day, night after night.  Sometimes he seems pretty normal, but then something happens, and this mysterious beast emerges breathing fire, vomiting the contents of its wounded soul all over everyone.  The children and I stand speechless, afraid, confused, angry – sometimes at Jason, sometimes at the beast that this war conceived in my beloved’s soul, writhing in its personal agony, imprisoned in its own pain and anchored to this war.

Why?  Why Jason?

I’m out of answers.  I’m even out of questions.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:12–14

Today I face war, literally.  I am tempted to be afraid.  I am tempted to feel betrayed.  I am angry at God, at the military, at my husband, at the way life keeps throwing me curve balls and wild pitches that swerve off course and scare me as they rocket toward me, deadly bullets.  

My husband has been told to pack, to prepare to return to war.  This is no small deal.  This is not managing a bank branch or overseeing a construction contract or preaching a carefully prepared sermon.  This is the real thing.  This is war.

I cried myself to sleep last night, unable to find comfort in anything or anyone, even God.  I don’t know where God is.   I have put all this in His hands.  I know He is still Lord.  He is just as much Lord today as He’s been on all my hope-filled, brighter, light-hearted days.  He is still Lord on this painful, confusing, fearful day.   His character, His promises to me, His love for me remain unchanged.  Only my circumstances have changed.  I keep reminding myself that my joy, my strength, and my hope do not depend on the happenings of my life.  My joy, my strength and my hope are all found in God, regardless of what is unfolding around me or what lies ahead for me.  

Thank you, Lord, that You are totally in control of the decisions the nations’ leaders are making presently.  This is not an ordinary deployment, Lord.  That would be hard enough, with all its emotions, natural fears and inherent dangers.  This is war, Lord.  War.  Men will die unless by Your miraculous intervention You cover them.   I pray that you will shield my husband by your favor, by Your very hand, from all weapons.  Let no weapon prosper that is formed against him.  

I will rely on You every second to be with him and to be with me here at home.  I choose not to lean on my own understanding.  If I do, I’ll go crazy!  Bind the ugly spirit of fear from me, from my husband, from our children, from our family and friends.  Draw us closer to You through all of this, to hear You, to see You, to serve You better than ever before.  And when it’s all over, may we never revert to the place from which You moved us, grew us and strengthened us.  Help us, at this difficult intersection, to choose to stay on the road You’ve marked out for us in Your perfect wisdom and love.

Use me, Lord, as You see best.  Don’t allow me to be overcome by fear or paralyzed by hopelessness or anger.  Empty me of me and fill me with You.  Not mine, but Your will be done.

*NEW BOOK BRINGS HEALING FOR WIVES OF COMBAT VETS  *                                                                                                  

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO- When her Navy SEAL husband returned from Iraq with only a broken leg,  she praised God that he was home safe and sound.  In the months that followed his homecoming, she began to sense that his leg was the least of our concerns.  

Although he was recovering physically, his soul still walked with a limp.  His unseen wounds, caused by war zone experiences, went unmentioned, unnoticed and untreated.    These invisible injuries slowly but surely infected her marriage, children and family life.  

“He was home with us in body, but, in his spirit a war still raged, said Marshéle Carter Waddell, co-author of a new and first-of-its-kind-book, When War Comes Home: Christ-centered Solutions for Wives of Combat Vets.  “His ability to be a loving husband and father suffered greatly.  From irritability and irrationality to nightmares and emotional numbing, it became very clear to me that my veteran husband was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  

*Waddell will be a featured speaker at an upcoming conference for military leaders in San Diego.    When War Comes Home will be presented to more than 800 Marine leaders and family members at the Marine Corps Combat Operational Stress Control Conference to be held August 12-14 August at the Grand Hyatt.  *

One in five vets returning from combat zones in Iraq and Afghanistan will suffer from PTSD.  Less than 40% will seek help.  Their suicide rate is twice the national average and two out of three marriages fail, according to Waddell.

“For two years my husband denied any need for help and unintentionally led our family into a land of silent suffering,” Waddell said.  “Medical studies, military surveys and the media are now reporting that our family is not alone.   I am aware and grateful that the government and other organizations are putting forth their best efforts to help vets with PTSD; however, I want to do more to help the spouses and families who love and live with these vets day in and day out.”

“The book, available in September from Military Press, and the presentation are based on our personal experience, careful research, and interviews with professionals,” Waddell said.  “I’m determined to give veterans’ families the tools and solutions they need to navigate through their personal storms.”  

“While physicians write prescriptions and psychologists try therapies, When War Comes Home speaks to the souls of the family members and friends of our nation’s heroes. * There is not another current faith-based book available today for the military family warring against the effects of post-traumatic stress,*” she said.  

Author of Hope for the Home Front: Winning the Emotional and Spiritual Battles of a Military Wife and the Hope for the Home Front Bible Study (New Hope Publishers 2006), Waddell is the founder of One Hope Ministry, a speaking and writing ministry aimed at strengthening women, marriages and families since 2003.   For more information, visit www.hopeforthehomefront.com.

Why the Home Front Strays: Ten Reasons Military Wives Give for Marital Unfaithfulness

By Marshéle Carter Waddell

There are many reasons why those on the home front stray from marital faithfulness.  Military wives are entrenched at home in the battle for their marriages, their children, their faith and their sanity, which are caught in the crossfire.  Here are the top ten reasons why military wives walk away from their marriage vows:

1.He is too passionate about his career. She feels she has to compete with his job for his loyalty and attention.  She must let him go to “her”, the “other love of his life.”  She wants all of him and can’t have it.  She doesn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone or anything, no matter how honorable and noble it is.  

2.The secrecy of his job, his assignments, whereabouts, comings and goings, means she cannot know everything about him. She is shut out of certain areas of his life.  She desires oneness with him on every level, but he can only share certain aspects of his life with her.  She struggles with the need to know.

3.Life is relentlessly bombarded by disappointments, interruptions, and changes to romantic and family plans.  She tries so hard to remain flexible and to keep a positive outlook.  She grows weary and discouraged.

4.He is away so often and so long. Training and deployments mean he is absent too much of the time.  Even when he is briefly home, he’s not really home.  His mind and soul are still underway and making way.  His body is either exhausted or injured.  This leaves her alone either physically or at the deeper levels of her soul.  She aches for company, companionship and affection.  Deployment rotations mean some men, like King David, are home while others are deployed.  Eyes meet, sparks fly, conversations start and we’re off to the races.

5.The children do not have a father figure in their lives.  They lack male mentoring and examples.  She wants the influence that a good man can bring to the lives of her children.

6.She fights exhaustion and burnout.  Military life is physically exhausting, mentally draining and spiritually challenging.  She is tired.  She looks around and considers how others outside the military have predictable, easier, more rhythmic lives.  

7.Communication is a challenge. The most important key to a strong marriage, good communication, is expensive, sporadic and sparse for the military couple.  At best, phone and Internet connections are tentative, even handicapped by the gaping distance.  She is uncomfortable sharing her heart like this.  She feels rushed, not relaxed, awkward, not intimate.  She longs for meaningful, unhurried conversation and the exchange of ideas, hopes and dreams at the deepest levels.  

8.Finances are tight.  Every military marriage is stressed not only by the country’s politics, but also by counting pennies.  The service member is locked in a government grid of carefully timed promotions in rank and salary increases.  There is no room for entrepreneurship.  The defense budget is always on the chopping block.  She desires a level of financial security and a future with promise and potential.  

9.Life seems unfair. The distribution of household and child care responsibilities feels unbalanced, weighing too heavily in her court.  She longs for relief, for laughter, for a day or even an hour of carefree, lighthearted fun.  She aches to be the creative, visionary woman she was before life shackled her with 24/7 duty.  A sense of entitlement creeps into her thoughts.  She wrestles with her “right” to feel alive and appreciated.

10. The future is uncertain.  The morning headlines and evening news constantly give her a body count of the war front fallen.  She is always faced with the possibility of early widowhood and single-parenthood.  She seek safes harbor.  The quieter cove of a stateside, civilian relationship can be tempting.

For wives serving on the home front, burdens of fear, loneliness, anger, disappointment, temptation, single-parenting, and separation from loved ones may easily rob them of the joy of following God’s calling for their families.  Although the odds seem stacked against them, military wives are finding hope in God’s promises and His constant presence.

High Tech:
A Help or Hindrance to the Military Marriage?_
By Marshele Carter Waddell

In the last decade, achievements in technology have succeeded in shrinking the communication gap experienced by spouses and families of deployed military members.  While these gadgets have the power to do much good, relationship damage is just a click away.  

Without a doubt, the Internet, email, cell phones and digital cameras have revolutionized the way military spouses communicate with each other.  High tech can be a huge help in bridging the distance between lovers; however, it can also be a hindrance, causing instant, irreversible hurt to a marriage that’s already under abnormal strain.

Maximize high tech in your military marriage by following a few simple guidelines:

•Pre-Internet military couples are forever grateful and continually wowed by the speed and accessibility of email.  Our young adult children have never known life without it.  We remember the days when getting a letter every other week was amazing.  Today, couples can email, chat, text and comment one another 24/7!   Keep in mind that the spouse at home may have much more opportunity to communicate in cyberspace than the deployed spouse.  Lines are long for available computers.  Troops can go for weeks in the field without Internet capability or accessibility.   Discuss each other’s limitations and avoid much disappointment at both keyboards.    

•Use your camera cell phone to send encouraging snapshots of you and the family.

•Keep a phone journal.  Jot down the happenings around your home and your questions on a notepad by the phone so you’re ready when your sweetheart calls.  Try not to talk the whole time.  Pause.  Breathe.  Let your loved one share his heart, too.

•Don’t use email or phone calls to harp on the petty or your pet peeves.  Time is short and connections are precious (not to mention expensive).  Savor them.  Treasure them.  The thorns in your side will only dig in more deeply if they get misconstrued and misunderstood at the other end of the fiber optics.

•If you are steaming hot under the collar and simply must vent, type your email, but do not hit send.   Save it as a draft for at least three days.  After the third day, reread and delete it.  Talk to the Lord first and then to another trusted friend about the issue before you confront your spouse, preferably when you have calmed down.

•Download personalized videos to your family web site for your loved one to enjoy.

•Create and share a blog of daily love letters just between the two of you.  

•Upload digital photos of yourself and create an online scrapbook just for him.

•Build your own MySpace together and be one another’s one and only friend.

•Choose a day of the week to “fast” high tech.   Pen your honey a handwritten letter on special stationery.  Forget emoticons; doodle your feelings for him/her in the margins.  Your sweetheart will read and reread your handwritten letters.

•Make it a daily habit to print out all your emails to your spouse and all his/her email to you.  Don’t worry about saving the environment right now.   Your letters, whether they are delivered by the postmaster or a webmaster, are priceless and can be shared with your children and your children’s children.

Our wireless world offers capabilities that can take a byte out of the distance wedged into the military marriage.    However, husbands and wives are wise to exercise caution, self-control and discernment in their use.  

*Other Internet Resources *

Author Marshéle Carter Waddell explores the emotional and spiritual battlegrounds common in the experience of today's military wife in her first book, Hope for the Home Front.   Marshéle shares personal experiences and offers Scriptural encouragement to millions of others who bear similar burdens of fear, loneliness, anger, disappointment, temptation, frequent moves, single parenting and separation from loved ones in her book and its new companion Bible study.  Visit her web site, www.hopeforthehomefront.com.

Your installation's support services

Depending on your service branch, your Fleet and Family Support Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Airman and Family Readiness Center, or Army Community Service Center can provide you with information and support.  

Military OneSource

This free 24-hour service, provided by the Department of Defense, is available to all active duty, Guard, and Reserve members and their families. Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues. You can reach the program by telephone at 1–800-342–9647 or through the Web site at http://www.militaryonesource.com./

Syndicated columnist and author Sarah Smiley has a web site full of articles, links, and information for military spouses and families, www.sarahsmiley.com.

Syndicated columnist, Jacey Eckhart’s  recent book, “The Homefront Club ” collects all the best techniques, skills and strategies for building strong marriages and great military families.  Visit her web site, http://jaceyeckhart.tripod.com./

For hope and help with PTSD issues and other resources for military families, visit Campus Crusade for Christ’s Military Ministry, www.militaryministry.org. and www.ptsdhealing.org.

Within two months of his return from his first tour in Iraq, my husband began to show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder.  At first I was confused.  I didn’t know how to interpret his behavior or comments.   During the next two years, I experienced all the emotions involved in the grief process.  

I was angry at him for his lack of self-control, for hurting my feelings, for emotionally scarring the children, for embarrassing me in front of others, for denying the existence of a problem and for his refusal to get help.  Also, I was angry at the unseen entity, the invisible force that was holding my best friend, my lover, and my children’s father hostage.

I wrestled with guilt.  I reasoned that if I were a better wife, I would be handling this crisis with more grace, forgiveness, and tenderness.  Frankly, I was sick and tired of it and wanted to walk out.  Part of me wanted to quit, to leave, to stop helping him, to stop loving him, to stop praying for him.  

At times I just wanted to scream and demand that he leave the military, believing that by putting this way of life behind us the pain would disappear eventually.  I resented having to worry that something might trigger painful memories for him. I got tired of trying, tired of listening, tired of trying to understand.  I had days when I just felt sorry for myself, for us as a couple and for our children.  On my better days, I believed that by assuming all responsibilities for the family and the house I would help him heal quicker.

 It’s true.  I lost the man I married.  The one who deployed did not return home to me. Five years have now passed.  We have both benefited from individual counseling, the on-going prayer support of committed family and friends, and the healing that only time can bring.  

Take it from a military spouse who has been there.  We desperately need the love and patience of our family members and friends as we work to save our marriages and families which are caught in the crossfire of PTSD.  

 I’ve listed several ways that others can reach out to a military member or spouse who may feel confused or hopeless in these trials:

Reassurance- All relationships are at risk after trauma.  Your friend needs to reconnect with family members, friends and her community.  Reassure your friend of your love for her and of your commitment to walk through this valley by her side.  Remind her of God’s unfailing love for her and His precious promises to her.  

Rest- Offer to care for your friend’s children one afternoon a week.  Partner with a few others to do housework or yard work.  Invite her for quiet conversation and a cup of tea at your kitchen table.

Replenishment of Physical Needs- Surprise her with a gift certificate for a manicure or a pedicure.  Deliver a nourishing dinner to her door.

Renewed Outlook- Stay positive in all you say and do around your friend.  Be a good listener and keep a hope-filled attitude.

Patience- Your friend has been psychologically injured.  Like broken bones, wounded hearts must heal from the inside out.  This takes time and endurance.  An oyster can’t produce a pearl overnight.

Prayer- Ask God for wisdom and creativity to help your friend know that she is not alone, that she is not crazy, and that healing is attainable.

I wish I could say that this journey from a PTSD diagnosis to complete healing is history for us.  It isn’t.  Yet, I am grateful to be able to say that Mark and I are much better equipped to handle the situations that still sneak up on us.   I’ve learned so much on this journey about my husband, about myself and about what makes a marriage able to persevere after the trauma of combat stress.

It’s true.  I lost the man I married.  The one who deployed did not return home to me.  And I accept and grieve that loss.  Today, we are learning how to rebuild our relationship from the foundation upward, to grow in affection and intimacy, and to laugh together again.  

We will never be the same couple that we were before the war.  As we rebuild, we are learning to work together in the wisdom and strength of God and to balance this labor of love with patience, times of rest and retreat.  I’ve learned from experience that marriage doesn’t have to be another casualty of war.