By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.

Even with the harsh economic news – jobless rates up and the stock market down – we can still find a lot to be grateful about, especially during the holidays. Families and friends traditionally draw together for support in times of crisis and this year is no different. The gift of appreciation – a heartfelt thank you – can be a daily present this holiday season for those you love. And the cost won’t cut into your tight budget at all.      

Why, then, is it so difficult to say thanks? We are often focused on ourselves – Galileo may have proved that the earth revolved around the sun but most of us secretly believe that the world itself revolves around us. It is sometimes hard to pull out of that orbit and become more aware of the contributions of others. And we all tend to take good things for granted. Humans instinctively pay more attention to threats to their safety than they do to situations of security and pleasure. We are less likely to notice supportive behaviors, so positive acts are often ignored.  

Other times we think that, by recognizing family members for their generosity, they are less likely to notice what they could appreciate about us. Actually, expressing gratitude leads to positive effects for both the sender and the receiver. But any change in behavior is difficult – and establishing life-long habits takes conscious repetitions. It may be hard to make the commitment to building this new skill, but it is well worth the effort.

Expressing gratitude not only makes others feel better, it also benefits you and your mood. When you focus on what you are grateful for you gain a wide range of benefits. These include sounder sleep, enhanced self-esteem, increased levels of contentment and improved connections with the world around you. Not a bad outcome – especially for a Sandwiched Boomer caught in the midst of parents growing older and children growing up. According to Willie Nelson, “When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.”  

You need to become aware yourself of what you are thankful for before you can begin to acknowledge the part others play. Here are some steps to help you get started:

1. Begin to consciously notice what brings you joy. Awareness is the first step toward creating change. Set aside time to participate in the process of experiencing and acknowledging your gratitude.  

2. Count your blessings.  Each evening, note three things that happened during the day for which you are thankful. Be specific as you describe what happened to you. It could be a loving conversation with your partner, a hug from your teenage son, a lunch date with your mother.

3. Re-live and savor each of these events.  Spend time re-creating in your mind the happiness of the experience. You will feel your body becoming more relaxed, your emotions more positive and your thoughts more focused. The joys of life are not only in present activities but also in remembering pleasurable occasions.  

4. Think about what you did to open yourself to these moments.  Then decide to direct your actions to include more of these delights in your life. Recognizing your own personal power will strengthen your belief in yourself as well as your willingness to consider the part others play in your happiness.

5. Realize why this piece of good fortune came your way.  It will help you identify the people you're grateful to have in your life. You can then thank them for playing a part in improving your world.  

Deciding to focus on giving thanks means a whole new mindset. As Albert Schweitzer put it, “To educate yourself for the feeling of gratitude means to take nothing for granted, but to always seek out and value the kind that will stand behind the action. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude.” When you follow these steps you can act on the gratitude you experience and live a rich life no matter what the economic environment.  

© 2008, Her Mentor Center  

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com,/ a website for midlife women and http://www.nourishingrelationships.blogspot.com,/ a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer’s family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.

By Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.& Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.

In years of plenty, American society operated largely on the pleasure principal – embracing the notion that ‘I want what I want when I want it.’ Accustomed to instant gratification and a sense of entitlement, people were emotionally conditioned to have it all. The average American carries nine credit cards with a total $17,000 balance. We have been living large for so long, that debt has become an integral part of our culture.  

With individuals, families, our government and other countries leveraged now, it looks like the whole world has to adjust to a slow recovery. Credit card debt, amounting to 900 billion dollar in our country, makes putting off present pleasures for future gains sound like a very good idea. Getting back to basics may be just what society needs. If you’re waiting for a rainbow after the huge storms we’ve been weathering, here are some ways to make it happen:      

1.*Be realistic and face the facts.*  If you haven’t already, live a simpler life within your means. Focus your efforts, because living your convictions is harder than just making the decision to change. Be accountable for your financial goals and create a concrete spending plan. You don’t have to panic but you can begin to take small steps. Learn how to have fun without spending money – invite another couple over to play cards, check out a book from the public library, catch up with a friend on a walk, take your family on a hike in the hills.

2.*Ours is largely a culture of impulsive*  recreational shopping. Stay centered about what you plan to buy, what you can afford to spend and what really matters to you. To begin the transition to mindful shopping, compile a list of the specific items you intend to purchase. Then honestly assess how important each item is and, if it’s not that necessary, let it go. Continue to differentiate between what you want and what you need. Instead of brand loyalty, become a more discriminating consumer and look for bargains or sales.  

3.*Get to know the subconscious money script*  that you learned in childhood from your parents. If your family was extremely frugal, you may follow their example and have the same fiscal habits. Or, having felt deprived, maybe you go in the opposite direction and spend with abandon. Understanding the dynamics of how you spend and why will free you up to explore new money management options.  

4.*Turn calamity into catharsis.*  Pull back in order to reach your goals and see thrift as a virtue. Make it OK to put off buying a new car or a new dress now so that you can have a better life later. Begin to put some money, no matter how little, in personal savings every month. As you make sacrifices, keep track of your values – like restraint, accountability, self-reliance, working hard, determination.

5.*If you are a Baby Boomer nearing retirement* , you may have to work longer than you expected. Or perhaps you’ll upgrade skills that will enable you to keep your job. Research findings indicate that, if you enjoy your work, there is added value in the stimulation, engagement and camaraderie it provides.  

6.*Multi-generational households are making a comeback*  for Sandwiched Boomers – especially with the rise in unemployment for new college graduates and the financial pinch felt by aging parents who are seeing their retirement income dwindle. Don’t be disappointed if you were dreaming about the empty nest. This new living arrangement can reduce stress, with more family members sharing household responsibilities, financial expenses and emotional support – as long as guidelines are clearly set and upheld.  

7.*Alter your expectations* and focus on the long run as you put off present pleasures for future gains. Appreciate the changes you are making now for your future wellbeing. Let off steam and reduce stress – discover low cost fitness by gardening or scaling steps. Barter services by cooking a meal or building shelves in exchange for personal training. Fight the force of negativity and believe in yourself to awaken the strength within.

Chicken Little thought the sky was falling – but with all the anxiety and panic, avoid a knee jerk reaction. Instead of an automatic response, think about what’s driving your fear before reacting. It’s true that conspicuous consumption marked the rise and fall of empires. But you don’t have to go to the extreme of chopping wood and carrying water. Just be patient and tighten your belt – call an old friend, using free Sunday minutes, write a letter to the editor, play a game with your kids, thank your lucky stars.  

© Her Mentor Center, 2008

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. & Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation.  They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers’ family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.  As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.

By Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.

These are unprecedented times. With the breakdown of traditional financial institutions, the wildly fluctuating stock market and the 700 million dollar government bailout, Americans are confused about how to respond. Some are in denial, not prepared to grasp the problems and potential consequences. Others are angry at what they see as awarding recklessness on Wall Street. Still others are in a panic about the gloomy economic forecast. These are all common emotional reactions to loss. And for Sandwiched Boomers, many of whom are financially responsible for their growing children and aging parents, they’re scared as they watch their dreams of a comfortable retirement disappear.

Medical care companies report that mental heath calls due to financial pressure have increased over 100% in the past several months. Early signs of distress – sadness, irritability, lack of motivation and changes in sleeping or eating patterns – can be subtle and easily missed in a busy family. However, as the economic turmoil continues, there can be a snowball effect. So, if you or any family member is having emotional symptoms, add some of the following healthy strategies to your bag of tricks:

1. Take a pulse of the situation, without either putting your head in the sand or overreacting. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. Yet avoid getting caught up in a pessimistic mindset, which can result in higher levels of anxiety and poor decision making. Try to remain calm and stay focused on what you need to do.

2. Recognize how you deal with tension related to money. Avoid unhealthy activities like smoking, drinking, gambling or emotional eating. Financial pressure can bring about more conflict and arguments in relationships. If any of these behaviors are causing problems for you, find healthier approaches to deal with your anxiety and stress.  

3. Stay proactive by identifying your financial stressors and making a plan. Write down specific means by which you and your family can reduce expenses or manage your money more efficiently. Although putting it down on paper can be worrisome in the short term, committing to a concrete plan will gradually reduce your stress.  

4. Times like this, while difficult, can offer opportunities for needed change. Try taking a walk – it’s an inexpensive way to get exercise and more fit. Having dinner at home will not only save money, but bring your family closer together. Through low-cost resources in your community, take a course or learn a new skill that can lead to a better job. The key is to use this time to think outside the box – and to consider new ways of managing your life.

5. Get professional support. Credit counseling and financial planning can teach you how to take control of your money situation. If you continue to feel frustrated, scared or overwhelmed, talk with a professional.  A therapist or coach can help you understand the feelings behind your financial worries and show you adaptive techniques to manage your emotions.  

Yes, retirement funds are in jeopardy. And Sandwiched Boomers are wondering how they will pay college tuition for their children, help their parents on a fixed income and ever be able to retire. But while you can’t always control what happens, you can control how you deal with it. Your response to the financial crisis depends largely on your interpretation. The sense you make of it all is called ‘reframing.’ And here you do have a choice – either to imagine that circumstances will never change or that you can find a silver lining within the dark clouds.  

So, for example, if you’re concerned about the impact on your family, remind yourself that families can grow stronger when they weather challenges together. By acknowledging the feelings and thoughts you have, and gently redirecting your attention to the positive, you can decrease the stress you are experiencing. And when you’re not feeling so defeated, you will make choices that will better maximize the opportunities ahead.  

© Her Mentor Center. 2008

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. & Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation.  They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers’ family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.  As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.

By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.

Lost in the headlines about the presidential election and the stock market meltdown is the fact that October is the month dedicated to controlling domestic violence. The irony is that the financial shock waves are likely to increase the prevalence of abuse. The economic turmoil will undoubtedly lead to greater fears, pressure and anxiety within families facing financial collapse – and, in many cases, that stress will lead to battering.    

The Centers for Disease Control believes that 10% of the population is affected by domestic abuse, although it is estimated that only one-third of these cases are actually reported. It is the most common cause of injury for women ages 15 to 44 who suffer physical as well as emotional injury, such as depression, anxiety and social isolation.

Why do women remain in abusive relationships? Frequently, the reason is fear – they have been brainwashed by the perpetrator – convinced that they are helpless and cannot cope alone. Or they’re afraid that the abusive partner will harm them or their children if they attempt to leave. Another justification is the victims’ incorrect belief that the responsibility is theirs, that they have caused the abuse or that it is up to them to stay in order to keep the family together. Finally, because of a variety of psychological issues and complicated family dynamics, the defense mechanism of denial can remain strong. Domestic abuse victims often refuse to see themselves as battered and don’t accept the fact that the perpetrator will continue the abusive behavior.  

If you are afraid of your partner’s anger and how he/she treats you, your children or elders under your care, your first responsibility is to protect yourself and loved ones from harm. Resolve to begin the tough process of freeing yourself. You may feel trapped and so deeply entrenched in the dysfunctional relationship that it seems you will never break away. You can make a start by taking the following steps:  

1.Insist that your partner participate in individual therapy as well as relationship counseling with you. The individual therapy should focus on areas such as anger management, cognitive behavioral change, insight, skill building, communication, stress reduction and control strategies.      

2.Get help from friends and family members. Talk with them about your concerns and let them know what you need from them. Educate yourself and them about domestic violence. Tell them how to recognize that you or others may be in immediate danger and devise code words to inform them if you need help.    

3.Prepare to take care of yourself - emotionally, financially and physically. Find a therapist who will help you develop self-confidence and the life skills you may need to go solo. Take charge of your personal finances, open your own bank account, find a job if you are not already employed.

4.Have an exit strategy and plan what to do if and when you leave the relationship. Investigate available community resources and learn about shelters in your area. Have copies of documents you may need as well as extra clothes and cash; leave them with a friend or neighbor so you can retrieve them later.  

5.Immediately let someone in authority know about the abuse, if it occurs. Have the phone number of the local police station available – and you can always call 911. If the violence is directed to your children or the elderly, know how to contact the agencies dealing with child welfare and elder abuse.

As we move through these difficult financial times, the stresses we all face will be great. Emotions are likely to be close to the surface as uncertainty about the state of our economy continues. Be aware of any potential for domestic abuse in your family and pledge to learn how to protect yourself and your loved ones from the painful trauma caused by such violence.  

© 2008, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com,/ a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com,/ a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer’s family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.

By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.

The news media thrive on streaming information – and gossip – about the exploits of high visibility couples. The general public has been well informed about the infidelity of John Edwards, the visits to call girls by Eliot Spitzer, the on-going splits of Hollywood couples. Polls report that approximately one-third of marriages have included an affair by one of the partners. How then do the other two-thirds resist the temptation to stray? As Paul Newman, married over 50 years to Joanne Woodward before he died, explained it, “I have steak at home, why go out for hamburger?”

Recent research has identified some functions of the brain that make it easier to remain monogamous, particularly for women. When placed in a situation where an outside flirtation is possible, a subconscious alarm is set off and women react by not paying attention to the appealing threat. Instead, they express more commitment to their relationship. Men’s brains do not automatically protect their relationships in the same way but can be trained to do so by visualizing and planning how to avoid the enticement. Additional studies have shown that when strong love is at the forefront, it is harder for the brain to pay attention to, perceive and recall the appeal of an attractive outsider.        

So, with physiology and love on your side, here are 8 tips to make it easier for you and your spouse to stay faithful.

1.*Invest in your partnership.* Make the time for your relationship just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use each other for support as you are going through the myriad challenges of life.

2.*Keep up the romance.* Remind each other why you fell in love. Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship together.    

3.*Enjoy each other.* Be playful and have fun together. Laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Plan some adventures – discover new activities you both like to do. All of these bring more pleasure into your relationship and encourage real intimacy between you.

4.*Give compliments freely.* Sometimes it seems easier to criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive behavior. Adjust your antennae to be more attentive to the actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud to your partner.

5.*Keep your communication open and honest. *Talk out misunderstandings before they become full-fledged arguments. Use the same conversational etiquette with your spouse that you would with anyone else you care about and respect. Practice active listening skills and sending I-messages.

6.*Use cooperation and compromise. *Be flexible in resolving your conflicts. Remind yourself to look at the issue from your partner’s perspective as well as from your own. Ask yourself if it is more important to be right and win the argument than to protect your relationship.

7.*Deal with anger.* Once you have expressed negative feelings, find a way to let go of the hostility. Resist holding on to resentment and avoid the emotional baggage of planning retribution. Learn to forgive your partner and to apologize for your own mistakes.

8.*Build basic trust and loyalty.* If you are devoted to one another and to your marriage, your behavior will reflect this deep commitment. Knowing that you are dedicated to the needs of each other gives you both the confidence to pursue your own goals out in the world.

When you take the responsibility to incorporate these 8 techniques into your relationship, you increase the odds of being there for one another through the years. And it’s nice to know that your brain function is hard wired to support you in these efforts to stay close to home.

(C) 2008, Her Mentor Center

 Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com,/ a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com,/ a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer’s family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.

By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.

This Presidential and Vice-Presidential election spotlights the important contributions made by women in our society – be they single or married, mothers or not, young or old, rich or poor, from big cities or small towns, in high-powered careers or down-to-earth jobs. The women in this election season are as exciting and controversial as any men candidates have been in the past or are today. Each has found her own unique equilibrium between the passion she contributes to her chosen career and the love she bestows on her family.  

Of course, the woman who has initiated the most discussion about this balance is Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, 44-year old Governor Sarah Palin. She has been combining a political career with motherhood for the past 16 years. Now with five children, her candidacy brings to the forefront the continuing struggles of working mothers.

Those struggles are not just internal but also for acceptance with society as a whole – and women in particular. Sarah Palin symbolizes different things to different women. To some she is the ultimate ceiling breaker, the first woman on a Republican Vice-Presidential ticket. In her acceptance speech at the convention, Palin said of her place on the Republican ticket it proved that, “Every woman can walk through every door of opportunity.” She was poised and comfortable – a natural – as she stepped into the spotlight of history, a woman showing her toughness, yet with a smile. At the same time, she positioned herself as a typical mother acknowledging, “Our family has the same ups and downs as others.”

But, just as a double standard is often applied to them, not all women themselves agree that she is the right choice. For these, she embodies the ultimate contradiction between family values and personal ambition. They wonder if she can adequately mother her children while carrying on the national responsibilities required of a Vice-President. But is this argument anti-feminist? Interestingly, due to Governor Palin’s political beliefs, it comes more from liberals than from conservatives.  

The position on women’s rights and opportunities seems to have flipped as far as this issue is concerned. Some of the most liberal feminists contend that Sarah Palin should not be on the ticket whereas conservatives declare she can balance her family responsibilities along with one of the most important jobs in the federal executive branch. In view of the fact that feminists generally have fewer children, perhaps they not aware of the helpful role older siblings typically play in large families in the care of their younger sisters and brothers.

These kinds of questions have not been raised when a father of five takes on enormous challenges in his work life, even today when fathers are more involved in the daily lives of their children. Is this a double standard or justified by the reality of family needs? Do women face unique pulls when they become wives and mothers?  

Sandwiched Boomer women are looking for role models today as they juggle career and family – and wondering what direction the fight for women’s rights will take now and in the future. Governor Palin, a different kind of 21st century feminist, has shown that she is willing to get into the trenches and join the fight for herself, her party and her sex.

© 2008, Her Mentor Center    

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer’s family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website.