I haven’t blogged in quite some time.  I simply have nothing to say.  How weird is that?
I did have the successful hysterectomy.  Once I passed the major pain part, I felt better than I have in years! I gave birth to 3 giant tumors and quickly lot 20 pounds and felt like a healthy, happy, vibrant woman!  Yippee!!
I fell twice on the same day last week.  What is up with that? Once was on some ice, so I might be able to explain that one.  The second time I missed a step and did a complete face plant on my own sidewalk.  Not pretty.  Although I didn’t notice any major injuries.  However, my surgically corrected ankle, repaired last May from a 2007 injury seems to be acting up in an ugly way.  So on Tuesday it’s back to see the Ankle surgeon to figure out what went wrong.  I will probably have my 3rd major surgery in 8 months.  Who does that?  Who takes 3 medical leaves from work within less than a year?  WTH….There is clearly a message from God in all this, but dang if I know what it is.
At first I thought the message was to “slow down“.  Stop working so hard and trying remember what is important.  Okay – I did.  I’m still doing it.  Spending time with family, working fewer hours and all that good stuff.  Okay – mission accomplished.
The second surgery taught me to turn off the TV and do some soul searching about my job, career and future.  I spent those 3 bed-ridden weeks analyzing my job and trying to decide what I want to do instead.  Looking at my “gifts” or “talents” and seeing what field they would fit.  Mission Accomplished.
For the third surgery, I wonder what I’ll do for that one?  I could probably fix the economy.  Solve the problems of the world.  Heal the sick.  I mean, if I’m going to keep having surgery until I figure out what the message is….I’d better stop thinking so small.  maybe I need to stop thinking about fixing myself and reach out a little bit.  Fix the rest of the human race!!
Um – maybe not.  I’m just an ordinary woman that tends to fall down a lot.  I haven’t changed my life yet.  Maybe this one is to figure out what I need to do to change my life.

My Dear Uterus:
On Tuesday, we will break up forever.  I will do to you what I often wished I could do to an old boyfriend. I will walk into a place with you and I will leave without you. As with any relationship, there will be some pain with the passing but it won’t last for long.

I’ve never been emotionally attached to you, uterus.  You served your purpose.  However, lately you’ve been causing me more pain than pleasure.  If there were anything else in my life that brought me nothing but pain and suffering and brought absolutely no value to my life, I would remove it from my life.  Thus, it’s time for you to go!

Some people tell me that I should have fought to keep you.  I believe those same people told me I should have fought harder for my first marriage, too, and look how that ended.  Once it’s over, it’s over. There’s no use going to counseling or taking other steps to keep the relationship active, as the relationship is clearly over.

I thought about a going away party.  A bon-voyage party for you, dear uterus.  I struggled with the invitations, though, as well as the refreshments.  What does one serve at such a function?  What kind of gifts would I expect to receive?  If women get showers when the uterus provides the gift, it seems that at the end of the natural life, more gifts would be exchanged.

In closing, my former friend, I wish I could say I will miss you.  I won’t.  I would love to be able to tell you that having you in my life has been a pleaure.  it wasn’t, except for the two times you helped me to hold on to my babies and produce those amazing little people called my sons.

So hang up the streamers and balloons.  Buy a sheet cake.  Call my friends and I’ll send you on your merry little way!  Best wishes for your future!

A {soon to be} uterus free Queen

For almost 10 years I have been perfecting my image at the office.  I have the reputation of being a bad ass bitch with cojones bigger than any of the guys.  I can be as empathetic as the next guy, but all the employees know not to mess with me.  I am tough.  I am professional.  

Then today happens.  My boss, a 60-ish year old man, says I don’t look happy.  And what do I do?  I burst out crying.  Can you believe it?  Standing in the middle of the copy room I bust out in freaking tears.  Oh – and not just a little teary eyed, oh no.  We‘re talking full bore UGLY crying.  Oh…I’m f-i-i-i-i-n-e.  Really.  Sniff.  He looked at me like I had grown a second head or somthing.  The poor man stood there with his mouth hanging open and his eyes bugged out.  I could see the wheels spinning in his head.  WTH just happened here?  So what does he do?  He apologizes.  He tells me he’s sorry for upsetting me.  WHAT??

That poor guy.  He got caught somehwere between a PMS/pre-menopausal mood swing and a horrible fibromyalgia pain flare.  Mix in an insurmontable amount of work stress and stir until mixed well.  Then stand back, as the concoction is explosive.  Nitroglycerin has got nothing on me.  I went from zero to hysterical crazy woman in .3 seconds!  It’s a world record.  I think my boss was burned in the afterburn.  Poor guy.  Stand back everybody.  she’s got a hot flash and she’s gonna BLOW!

If I remember correctly, this is worse than that horrible morning after feeling.  That feeling you get when your sex drive got in the way of your common sense.  How will I face my boss tomorrow?  Well….I solved that problem by calling in sick.  Procrastination is a beautiful thing!  don’t want to deal with it?  Just wait until Monday.  Maybe he’ll forget!  Maybe my impression of a inmate at the institution will fade from his memory by then and I can go back to my former status of Queen Bitch.  

Is there a prayer for mental cleansing?  Could I ask God to please erase Mike’s memory of everything that happened today?  Could I induce just a smidgen of amnesia?  Maybe I could tell him I was inhabitated by aliens?  Temporary insanity is close to the truth.  Would it ruin my image if I used the PMS/Menopause card?

I think I’ll go have a some more pain meds and a little dark chocolate.

I’ve worked for the same company for 9 years.  I’ve clawed my way to the top and am now upper management.  In 9 years I’ve gone from a support role to running the operations for a Division of a Fortune 100 Company.  To say I’m impressed with myself is an understatement, as I’ve done well and I’m very proud of that fact.  Dang – I hope I don’t throw my shoulder out patting myself on the back!  I’m sounding just a tad bit cocky now, aren’t I?

Now – here’s the glitch.  My industry is real estate.  Homebuilding, to be precise.  I’ve watched my Company go from one of the most profitable companies in a very competitive industry to losing hundreds of millions of dollars each quarter.  As such, I’ve watched my work load increase while my income decreases.  Yes, when things were good I was well rewarded.  I’ve hung on so far through the bad times but have reached the point where I just can’t hold on any longer.

With every layoff comes more work for me.  I’m getting tired and starting to feel like the stress is turning toxic within me.  I’ve always managed day to day stress pretty well, and for the most part I can usually deal with it.  However – now it’s making me sick.  If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a train headed right for me!

I don’t know what else to do, though. I don’t know if any other industry or Company would pay me what I’m making now. I love the power and prestige of my current job and position and am scared to try to find that somewhere else.  It might be easy to say “there’s more to life than money“.  While I agree in that concept, I also am the sole support for a husband and two kids.  We can’t afford for my income to take more of a hit.

And where would I go?  Where do my passions lie?  I heard recently that “the daughter of God doesn’t settle“.  Wow – what a powerful statement.  But I just don’t know what God would have me do at this point.  I pray that God will give me guidance and help me understand what my next step will be.  How do I find the right place and position?

My next step is to prepare a resume.  Maybe have it professionally prepared, I don’t know.  I guess I need to get it out there and see what happens.  Are my skilss transferable?  Will anyone else find the same value in me that my current Company has?  How can I start a blog sounding so cocky and sure of myself and end it wondering if I am even employable at all?

GRRRRRR….I hate this uncertainty within myself.  I hate this lack of confidence.  I hate the self doubt.  Come on, self.  Get it together!!

Wow – today is just one of those days.  If I don’t start screaming, I think I’ll explode.
Everyone I look at is making me crazy.  Take a crazy cranky bitch, add some crazy menopausal hormones, a sick (been that way for WEEKS) husband, a stressful job and a debilitating illness….ugly combo!

So – if I could be frank with my dear husband, I’d tell him NO – I don’t want to go to dinner. I’ve worked 60 hours this week and I’m tired and my body hurts too much for words.  I know you have a tummy ache – get over it. My legs hurt so much i can’t stand up.  No – I don’t want to go to the mall.  No – I don’t want to eat greasy fast food that will give me intestinal difficulties for days.  No – I don’t want to have sex.  Are you freakin kidding me??

Our deal is that you stay home and take care of the house and kids and I work.  The house is a pit and I am NOT cleaning it.  Are you really that crazy?  Stop being a jerk to our kids.  They don’t particulary care if you have a tummy ache.  Who are you?  do you have any idea how much you whine?  And no – I don’t want to have sex.

I’m tired.  I hurt.  My stress level is off the charts.  I’m fighting for my job – and our livlihood – every single day.  My legs don’t always support the weight of my body.  I have a period every other week.  And NO – I DON‘T WANT TO HAVE SEX.

phew – okay, I don’t think I’ll blow up and explode.  I really do have value and a somewhat positive attitude.  Most days.  I’m not always a cranky menopausal bitch.  I don’t (always) hate my husband.  It’s just one of those days!!